As a little girl you are wrapped around fairy tales, your Barbie’s and your parent’s fingers because you are their little princess. As you look back on those moments, at the age of 25, you couldn’t ever imagine your life without your family as your number one and those very people being the ones that protect you from all the evil the world has to offer. Little do you know, the one you trusted with your heart and soul will rip it into a thousand pieces, not once, not twice, but a million different times and in a million different ways. You keep giving in but there comes a time where you finally stand up to that very evil and even though it takes everything out of you, you shove it out of your life. You had to. You’ve given countless chances. Forgiven. But never forgotten. But the end result is always the same..no matter how much time has passed, no matter what the consequences. You are left in pieces, and the only choice you have is to pick yourself back up, put yourself back together and learn from your mistakes. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Well, I was fooled more than twice. So no one can ever say that I didn’t give a damn.
“You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue in their actions”.
It is sad. But it is the truth. I’ve seen it, you have probably seen it, we have all in some way, shape or form witnessed this to be 100% true. People these days are some of the selfish that they have ever been. It’s a problem. It creates a lot of problems. It creates a huge distance between them and the ones that they love, or used to love anyway. Ultimately, this is where it all fell apart for me. Someone who was so consumed in everything just being about them, not just wanting but needing the material things, the thrill, the competition, the adventure while their children were to fend for themselves. That last part really irks me, does it do the same to you? Maybe not, but because I dealt with it first hand for years, it kills me to even think about it. Or to even allow myself to go there.
Don’t get it twisted, I have some fabulous family members and friends, some blood-related and others not even close but they might as well be. And I am truly, very blessed to have them in my life. Without them, things would be completely different and I’m not sure how I would’ve made it through. Well, I would have made it through, I consider myself a fairly strong person but with them, the pain started to slowly disappear (not completely, it still lingers from time to time), life begun to fall together into something truly beautiful and I had people that I could count on no matter what the task, obligation or obstacle that lie ahead.
There comes a point and time when you just cannot handle anymore destruction, heartbreak and suffering and you just have to let go… because if you don’t, it will be the end of you. That’s what it came down to, for me. I believe in second chances, even if you may not, I understand and I won’t judge you for it. But each and every time I allowed this person to come and wreak havoc on my life, I died a little inside. It killed me to know that this human being, this person who was supposed to love & protect me at all costs, would so gladly hurt me in ways unimaginable and wouldn’t find the need to make amends or want to for that matter. Honestly – this entire blog has been about the hurt that I’ve dealt with and what I’ve felt but what I care about most is that fact that others around me have been hurt, destroyed and confused on what they ever did to deserve such treatment.
What I care about is that even on their worst day, they would still give you the world but it’s never good enough. You always want, want, want. You pry on their weaknesses and when they are most vulnerable. You humiliate everyone by the name you’ve given yourself and we have to live with it too. You’ve been given countless chances and opportunities but have chosen yourself every time. Somehow, some way you have manipulated people to continue to be around you, but sadly, your time with them is limited. It’s only a matter of time before your true self has been revealed and you have yourself to blame. You’ve destroyed any hope of having a family that we’ve once dreamt of. What I will say though, thank you for giving me a wonderful sibling, without her I would go insane. Thank you for three sets of the best grandparents I could’ve ever imagined. Thank you for an amazing father, a wonderful step-mommy dearest and siblings that if it weren’t for you, they would’ve never been apart of my life. And thank you for documenting our lives in pictures and photo albums because at least there, I am able to reminisce on the happy memories when we were once given a shit about by you. So thank you.
And to you: Stop pointing fingers at others when you are the one at fault, you only make yourself look more pathetic than you already are. Please do not act like I am the cold-hearted one that never wanted you apart of my life and that I only pushed you away when you kept “trying”. Your version of “trying” ended the same way every time, it never changed. The only consistent was the amount of pain and tears you caused each and every one of us, that was enough for a lifetime two times over. Don’t say I never forgave you, I forgave you more than you ever deserved. More than I should have. Oh well, maybe you could say that I had hope for you? Or that I wanted you apart of my life and I thought that maybe, just maybe, you would change for your kids? But we were all wrong, jokes on us. It’s bad enough that my kids (when I have them, not pregnant) will have to grow up without their great-grandmother — who would’ve been the light in their lives just like she was in mine. But don’t worry – they will grow up with multiple grandmothers who I don’t have to worry about leaving them with; in fear that something awful will happen because you cannot get your act together. Among all the awful things you’ve said to me over the years, you hit home when you brought Mel (my biological father) into this screwed-up mess. Don’t you dare think that he doesn’t see the person I’ve become, the complete opposite of what you describe me as, because he watches over me every day. Lastly, I’ve let go.. for good. I will not allow anyone else to be hurt by you, as long as I live. I hope that you find happiness, peace and the life you so desperately long for.. even though that’s certainly more than you even deserve. Ciao.